A small, yet significant success.

It's been forever since I've posted anything on here, but I had a conversation today with a friend that put the biggest smile on my face. Honestly, it made me the happiest I've been since I've been home from England. Here it is:

[8:23:25 PM] friend says: Oh yeah!
The other day I went on a bit of a downloading spree, and I ended up getting some Nickelback songs
One of them was "If today was your last day"
you know it?
[8:25:05 PM] I say: yes i do!
[8:25:23 PM] friend says: Well I hadn't heard it in about a year
so I listened to it
and you know the first two lines?
[8:26:04 PM] I say: hmm. i am looking it up right now. i haven't heard that song in a whileee
i like it :)
[8:27:14 PM] friend says: it goes "my best friend gave me the best advice, each day's a gift and not a given right"
and as soon as I heard those lines
I thought of you
[8:27:37 PM] I say: hahah really? :)
[8:27:40 PM] friend says: Yeah
it got me thinking
about how you don't let anything keep you down
you live for the moment and nothing else and make the choices that you know will make you smile
and it got me thinking
[8:28:55 PM] I say: :) i love that you know this about me and we haven't known eachother that long <3 style="font-weight: bold;">[8:29:46 PM] friend says: i used to be like that, and somewhere along the line, I lost that part of me. Then when me and my gf broke up, I was a mess, then you started coming out more often, and that part of me came back, Janelle
I didn't realise it at the time
but you
above everyone else
got me back on my feet
kept me smiling
kept me going
and then when you left
it got harder again
but I listen to that song now
whenever i'm down
and I think, what would Janelle do?
[8:31:09 PM] I say: hahahaha WWJD!
lmfaooo
[8:31:15 PM] friend says: :')
[8:31:23 PM] I say: i hope i can continue to keep making you smile!
[8:31:25 PM] friend says: and i snap myself out of it
[8:31:37 PM] I say: you are a fucking awesome guy <3 style="font-weight: bold;">[8:34:14 PM] friend says: but yeah, basically all of that was me trying to say thankyou. You're an incredible girl Janelle, and I honestly don't know where I'd be right now if you hadn't been around to dust me off and put me back on my feet. You did it without realising and I'll never be able to repay you for that x thank you Janelle, you're my hero :)
[8:35:09 PM] I say: <3 style="font-weight: bold;">[8:35:26 PM] friend says: and I don't sugarcoat shit either
[8:35:32 PM] I say: honest to God. i miss you more than anyone back there!
[8:35:34 PM] friend says: that's the truth :)
[8:35:45 PM] I say: lol i feel like we've gotten closer since i've left, even though i'm physically further away.
[8:35:58 PM] friend says: I know, it's weird :')
I miss you too Janelle
[8:37:04 PM] I say: your tagline under your default pic on fb reminds me of my favorite song ever and actually some lyrics that ive been wanting as my next tattoo for the past year.
i actually wasn't going to get those beatles lyrics, i was supposed to get lyrics from that song instead.
but yeah. it's called "just a phase" by incubus. i just wanted that title tattooed.
pretty much - everything both good and bad comes to an end. so keep your head up if it's bad times, because it'll be over soon. but if it's good times, cherish it while you can.
[8:38:44 PM] friend says: yeah :)
[8:39:26 PM] I say: it's the way i try to live my life everyday!
i hope you're learning to do the same :)
[8:39:58 PM] friend says: i am doing, it's harder some days
but I'm getting back to how I used to be
[8:40:18 PM] I say: it is hard sometimes.
i'm glad you're getting back to how you used to be! :)
i think you were fun while i was there. pshh that's why you were my fave!
are*
[8:41:06 PM] friend says: honestly? half the time that wasn't the real me
it was a brave face
because I was a mess
until you snapped me out of it :')
[8:41:56 PM] I say: :)
[8:42:05 PM] friend says: I'm not going to lie, a few days after you left
I had a really bad day
and I decided
that I couldn't wait until the day that I couldn't feel anything anymore
no sorrow, no joy, nothing
i wanted to be numb
[8:42:48 PM] I say: :(
[8:43:02 PM] friend says: and then i found that song :')
[8:43:17 PM] I say: haha it's a damn good song :)
[8:43:25 PM] friend says: yeah, it really is :')
[8:43:43 PM] I say: i know the feeling though. lol i haven't always been this happy.
lol there have been several times in the past year that i have been absolutely miserable.
but it's not worth it!
you only live once.
there's no time to be sad
[8:44:47 PM] friend says: Exactly :)
the way i see it
you've got to take the bad
because if there wasn't any bad
how would we appreciate the good?
[8:45:42 PM] I say: :) precisely!
lol i didn't want to say 'exactly' because you said it already. :P
[8:46:16 PM] friend says: haha it's okay, I wouldn't have minded :')

One of my favorite quotes ever is:
"... To know that one life has breathed easier, because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Tonight, I am glad to know I have achieved success in this way.

The more I think about it, the more it annoys me. Yeah, I guess I'm happy for you, but the reality is.. it sucks knowing that I lost you. Everything's going to change, regardless if we want it to or not. At least the playoffs are on. Basketball will consume my life for the upcoming weeks so I don't have to think about all the things that have been bothering me. Don't be vain, your situation isn't the only thing on my mind.

It's fairly trite to say: "no one understands me", but it's true. I'm back to not expecting that people might be able to. Some people never fail to surprise me, no matter how well you think you know them.. And I'm not referring to a pleasant type of surprise either. Obviously it pisses me off. Obviously I care if I'm taking time to blog about it.. but I'd never actually admit that to you. You know damn well you're the one that fucked up. Just because I'm not going to talk to you doesn't mean I'm holding a grudge, I'd just rather not waste my time.

Alone.

Why is it that the word 'alone' brings such a negative connotation? Alone. Lonely. Lonesome. I feel like I haven't got anyone, and I'm trying to convince myself that it's not that bad.

I've been thinking a lot lately and I've noticed that I've lost touch with the majority of the people I used to call my 'best friends'. Everyone is moving in different directions. It's all becoming a blur and I don't know where I want to be. It's a scary thought. Not knowing where you want to go. Not knowing what you want to do.

I've come to realize that there are certain things I miss. Ideas though. More than actual people. As much as I miss these certain things, and as much as I know people want things to go back to the way they used to be, I am resisting with everything in me to not have a repeat of what used to be.

I think I'm over living here. I'm over the people I associate with. Don't take it personally. A drastic change could do one of two things: 1. Allow me to fall in love with a new environment or 2. Allow me to miss this place and see why I was happy here at one point. I'm not depressed or anything. I'd say I'm just bored with what has come to be a routine. I am ready for something new.

She woke in the morning. She knew that her life had passed her by. She called out a warning: 'Don't ever let life pass you by.' I suggest we learn to love ourselves before it's made illegal.
-- Incubus - Warning

Rant of the Hour

I just realized why I go through best friends like you go through clean clothes. I really don't ask for much, so it really pisses me off when people can't even live up to the little I find as just common courtesy. The past couple days, I've realized that I need to go back to my ways of expecting the least from everyone.

Also, the excitement of partying, flirting with boys, drinking, smoking, etc. is somewhat gone. I'm still down to have a good time, but things just aren't the same. I don't know what changed, but it just doesn't feel the way it used to. I'm pretty much over it. That doesn't mean I'm going to stop it completely, but maybe I just need a change of environment or something.

I'm ready to get outta here. Countin' down the days til July.

a magic win and hearing the words 'im glad you called' were enough to make my day.

2010 Me. (Again).

I hate that the 2010 version of me has feelings. A little part of me actually cares... and it sucks.

Wow,

I hate being mean. I hate breaking hearts... but this guy did not get the fucking picture. It has been well over two years since I've seen this kid. It was a one weekend hit-it-&-quit-it situation. We don't even live in the same fucking state. I told him one day 'Hey, I don't want to keep talking to you. I don't have feelings for you.' about a year and a half ago. A month or two ago he starts texting me and calling me again. I IGNORE ALL THAT SHIT and he still doesn't get it. I really can't make this shit up.

Boy: do you mind if i still say "lil lady" and stuff like that.....
jw
Me: WHY DO YOU EVEN WANT TO TALK TO ME ANYMORE
Boy: cause ill always care about you...
i know you dont feel the same way
but its cool
Me: i don't want to be mean, but i really have no interest in continuing any of this and i thought i had made that clear before?
Boy: i know that..i just want to still be able to talk to you whenever..thats all. just thought we could still talk about old times a little bit
i dont ever blow your phone up or anything like that .
Me: okay, what happened was fun and all, but i don't want you to hold onto it whatsoever. which is why i dont want to talk about it
and what happened was just a fling.
Boy: ok then wont talk about it..i promise
youve got my word..all i ask is that i can talk to you every now and then..kind of like this..thats all..please
Me: i don't think i can do that. i don't even want to talk to you.
i told you. i have no interest in continuing this AT ALL.
Boy: what if i make you a deal?
just simply tell me that you love me..and youll never hear a single word from me again ..not even a peep and we can go our seperate ways..it would just make it easier for me to let go..ya know? to remember that as the last thing that you said :):) and i will never ever ever bother you again...i promise..its only a few words
Me: wow.. are you FUCKING KIDDING ME
Boy: please..then i could let you go forever..yes seriously..its only a few words to you
Me: how does that even make sense?
Boy: just let it make sense.. and i guess just tell me and ill never bother you again
Me: how about this?
i delete you from facebook.
block your number.
and not say that.
Boy: ok..... bye.
i'm sorry i can't talk to you anymore

I'm sorry, but that was fucking pathetic... Grow some balls. Thanks.

2009 vs. 2010.

I don't know if it was the new year, the regrets of this time last year, or just pure coincidence that brought forth the changes to my personality and overall outlook on life, but the fact still remains: the 2010 version of me is very different from the former version of myself. Let's go ahead and compare them:

2009:

• Motto(s): 'Do what you want now; Deal with the consequences later.'; 'Experience it now and then learn from regrets.'
  
• Pimpin all over the world.
• MAJOR player status.
• Drink and smoke. Parties, parties, parties.
• 'Take it out your pocket and show it. Then throw it like this way, that way.'
  
• Fuck boys. (Literally).
• Never satisfied.
• IDGAF mindset.
  

2010:

• Motto: 'Prevent regret.'; 'Learn from your mistakes.'
  
• Resolutions to add to the rule book: 1. Avoid leading people on. 2. Don't mix business and pleasure.
• Cut back. Both in drinking/smoking and in spending.
• Fuck boys. (Not literally).
• Fairly content.
• Highly contemplative, fairly analytical.
  

I'm trying to stay under the radar. I'm trying to become a better person. I'm trying to focus more on myself. thus far, I would say I've succeeded for the most part, but I am nowhere near being impressed with myself yet. There are a lot of things I feel I need to improve on and I'm actually trying to change for the better. As cheesy and trite as it sounds, I feel like a lot of this realization came when in church one day, listening to the sermon. What I learned that day is that you can't always just live life as it passes you by; that having a standard to go by will not always get you the best, but you will never end up with the worst; and that there will always be better days. As aforementioned, whether it's good or bad-- it's just a phase... Everything is just a phase.

It was a Harold and Kumar kind of night.

Considering two things, 1. the fact that my sleep schedule is officially FUCKED for the next couple days and 2. last night's antics recurring in my mind, I have decided that I'd actually blog about what happened. It was definitely a Harold and Kumar kind of night. Rarely do I ever have a plan; I much rather have things happen spontaneously, because plans falling through normally leads to disappointment. Well, that's basically how the night began. There was a plan and I thought things would go as such. The plans were: 1. go to Roxy Nightclub with Grace for Erica's birthday celebration. 2. Get drunk. 3. Dance the night away with creepers that try to feel you up and think that you dancing with them means that you will make out with them. 4. Hit up iHop afterward. 5. Call it a night. Little did I know, the night would end up being more fun than my original expectations.

Well, we did indeed go to Roxy, but my drink hook-up ended up getting kicked out of the club basically right when we got there. So there was step 2 in my plan already ruined and it was just the beginning of the night. Because there was no alcohol in my system, dancing all night didn't seem like the greatest idea anymore, but between trying to have a good time and having random guys just pull me into grinding position, I ended up dancing to more than a couple songs. I was worked up for some drinking and because I refused to hit on men of age just to get drinks, Roxy was not as fun as I had expected. We ended up leaving the club around 2 am. To most leaving at 2 is usually the end of the night. To us, Roxy was just the beginning of our adventure.

After leaving Roxy, we decided that we'd follow through on step 4 of the night -- hitting up iHop. But what's the best thing to do before grabbing late night food and after a little clubbing? Gettin some green! Since none of us had any, we decided to call up our friend. So we meet up at McDonalds, because of course that is where things happen at 2am. Once met up, we had to drive to his friend's car where the green was. After driving around two neighborhoods for a good thirty minutes and wasting a ton of gas in the gas guzzler of a vehicle we were in, we find out that this guy's car was towed. At this point, we're basically fiending. We're tired of driving around-- we just want to smoke and get some food. So we say 'Fuck it', and continue on the convoy towards getting it. We get to the towing place and realize that not only is it closed, but it is completely fenced in and is guarded by a huge jungle-cat sized dog. Because of this I'm immediately thinking 'Fuck, guess we're not going to smoke. Let's just grab food and go home.' While at the towing place, what amused me was that the guy was more concerned on getting the green than getting his car back. Next thing I know, the guy is climbing under one fence, jumping over another, breaking into his car, grabbing the goods, and running back toward us when we start yelling that we saw a light turn on in the trailer of the towing place. We were all screaming 'OH SHIT, hurry up!' and GTFO of there.

So, we leave and drive into another random neighborhood and stop at another random house. At this random house is where the exchange was made. Apparently this house is the home of some guy, whom we call Python. (It really wasn't Python, but we call him that anyway.) Since our friend was planning to attend Python's party, we decide to just start packing in the car, parked in the middle of a cul-de-sac outside the house, so he could enjoy it with us. While packing, we meet a couple people from the party, all inviting us to come inside to the festivities. We thank them, but politely refuse. When finally packed, we smoke outside the car, still hanging out in the middle of the road. While smoking, a guy in a white car drives up, parks nearby, and tries to go into the party. Never did I notice how many people were standing in the driveway watching this guy try to walk up. Everything seems to be slowing down. Two guys from the party start arguing with white-car-guy. "YOU'RE NOT WELCOME AT THIS PARTY. WHY WOULD YOU COME HERE? YOU KNOW YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE." We stand there in awe. Once again, two words from earlier in the night cross my mind: 1. Oh. 2. Shit. The argument progresses and white-car-guy walks back to his car as if he's going to leave. He gets in his car, sits there for a little bit. It looks like he's digging around his passenger seat looking for something. One of the two guys who argued with him says, "Mira, he's not leaving. Go get the shotgun." Again, those two words flash in my mind. OH. SHIT. This is my cue to leave. We hop in the car. Sit there for a second while one of my friends says "No, I wanna see this. We can't leave yet." The guy in the white car drives off. We are still sitting in the car. The two guys who were arguing with him come up to us and tell us to leave, thinking that we were with him. We convince them that we were there before he even came and that we had no idea who he was. They finally apologize for their mistake and invite us back inside. Again we say thanks, but tell them we've got to get going.

The closest iHop is another 15 minutes away. Fuck, I guess Denny's will suffice. Mid-drive to Denny's, things begin to slow down more. The high is a creeper. We all start giggling. I don't know about them, but I was feeling pretty good. We get to Denny's. I swear that our waittress could tell we weren't sober. The minutes our food took to come out seemed like hours. The guy that Grace and I were with was anxious for us to leave Denny's. Her and I spent the entire night convincing him that the three of us would have a threesome at the end of the night. Little did he know, we were just bustin' his balls. After our delicious meal at Denny's, we drive to his complex and park outside his apartment. We spend 30-45ish minutes teasing the poor kid by getting his hopes up and not letting anything happen. I feel bad for the kid, but he's not the only one who went home with blue balls. Apparently the 2010 version of me has learned a new sense of self-control. We finally get back to my house a little past 6:00 am, luckily before the sun is up. We wake up two hours later because she has to go to work. The first things we say to eachother are "Holy shit. Did that really happen?" What a night. I'm still recovering.

She By Saul Williams

i simply want to be
the love song
dangling from her lips
unfiltered
ever burning at the end
the beginning forever
at her lips
my dreams
on the tip of her tongue

she breathes
clouds of mystery
once mine
smoke signals
another lifetime
now dissolved
into thin air

and when
the mystery is gone
so is the fire

maybe if i came in packs
(like wolves)
but there’d still be the warning
for pregnant women

love’s suffering addiction
can turn hearts yellow

i want to be
the one she calls
on her cigarette break
not the cause of it

~Saul Williams

fave. poem. ever.

Fluffy White Clouds

"I think perhaps love thrives on unlikely circumstance and chance. Life thrives on these principles, and is life not love? and love not life?" -- Brandon Boyd

I often tell stories that gain the response: "That would happen to you." Over the past few days, a realization has occurred in my mind. Actually, reinforced really. I feel like I always happen to be at the right place at the right moment. It's funny how things work out. You spend a certain amount of time in one place; You do things in a certain order; Your plans are faulted by 'unlikely circumstance and chance'. By making little mistakes, like taking a wrong turn or waking up later than expected, sometimes you are able to experience things that appear accidental. Many of these experiences end up irrelevant, but others can be the catalyst to something of greater importance - a funny memory, an interesting connection, a stronger bond... I guess you could call it fate, destiny if you will, but I am sure it all happens for a reason.

The Lie by Chad Kultgen

"... she might have actually been doing the same thing I was that night, trying to hold on to something she used to love, something that used to be the best thing in her life. But no matter how tight she squeezed, it was gone. I think we both knew it that night. But, like I said, neither one of us did anything about it."

I'm not going to lie. This book hits me pretty hard. I know that I constantly give off the I-don't-give-a-fuck kind of vibe and I try pretty hard to act emotionless, but reading the line above definitely brought a couple tears to my eyes. Not because I'm sad that things aren't the way they were before, but I'd just rather not be the reason for someone else's possible unhappiness. I honestly think that things have changed for the better, even if that means that I've lost something I care about. I'd rather prevent the unfortunate than pretending that there won't be any to come. It may be a pessimistic approach, but you really don't know me. _____ doesn't deserve that and until this phase ends, no one really does.